Motherhood After an Eating Disorder

It’s Eating Disorder Awareness week, and as I sit here reflecting on a mad day of school runs, work, homework and dinner prep, this week always reminds me to reflect on my own mental health, my past experiences and where I am today. Mental health will mean different things to different people. So many of us have struggled at some point in our lives sometimes unknown to the people around us. That’s the thing about mental health, it’s not always something you can see. It’s not a broken leg that you can slap a cast on and mend in a specific amount of time. It’s invisible at times, the struggle can be silent, and accepting or seeking out help can be a massive challenge.

I Need Help

When I was 23, I admitted myself to St. Patrick’s Hospital in Dublin. I had managed to develop an eating disorder which was out of control and I knew I needed help. Since my early teens I had always been body conscious. But in my early 20’s a series of events had led me to become obsessed with my weight. In early 2011, my restrictive diet became all consuming and my weight had spiraled downwards over a 10 month period. I was stuck in a binge/purge cycle that I couldn’t stop and my health and well being were slipping away. Deep down, I knew I was out of my depth and I knew I didn’t know how to fix it. I was lost.

The Mask

On the face of things, very few people knew what was going on for me. I wore a mask, I acted the clown and over exerted myself to be the life and soul of the party. When I look back at the time, I can only describe myself as a performing monkey. I was trying my hardest to convince myself and everyone around me that I was great, when inside I was crumbling. Making that realisation, and coming clean with my now husband and family was incredibly difficult. I was embarrassed and ashamed yet I knew I needed their help.

An eating disorder can be an awfully sneaky affliction. It can make you deceptive and untruthful. It can make you into a person you don’t want to be. With an eating disorder your end goal is everything, even to the detriment of some of the most important relationships in your life.

The Road to Recovery

I will be honest, I was determined from the outset of my treatment. I had admitted myself into hospital, I knew I was past the point of getting better on my own. This maybe wasn’t the case for everyone on the programme I was on, as obviously everyone’s experience was incredibly different and personal.

I can only describe myself as a girl on a mission. I didn’t want having an eating disorder to define who I was. As much as I loved being skinny (and boy did I love it at the time), I loved being able to actually enjoy my life more, and deep down, even then, I knew that. Eating again, getting my weight back up and resisting the urge to purge after meals was agonising. It was stressful and a definite uphill battle. It went against everything I had allowed myself to believe was normal for such a long time.

Through cognitive behavioural therapy techniques and a series of other programmes, I finally found a way to manage. I figured out a way to get through and use strategies to support myself enough to move in the direction I wanted to. After spending a 3 month period in and out of hospital, I finally started to transition back to the real world. I returned to work and slowly began to socialise again. I began to be able to eat out again and enjoy things I once had. It took time, and support from those around me, but I slowly started to feel like myself again.

Moving on

I continued to check in with a consultant for 18 months until she was happy to discharge me fully. I felt a huge relief that day. I had been well in myself for a while and wanted to be free of a less happy time in my life. I wanted to look forward and move on. Family and friends kept a close eye on me for a long time, conscious of what they may have missed and been unaware of before. A smiling happy face doesn’t always mirror how someone is feeling and that was a lesson we had all learnt the hard way.

I got engaged in 2012. Immediately everyone was worried about me and the temptation to diet for a wedding. But at that point, I had moved to a place in my head where I had a certain level of acceptance for how I looked. I had made a firm decision within myself that I didn’t want to return to that dark place ruled by obsession, deception and unhappiness. No dress or wedding day was worth that to me.

Becoming a Mom

6 months after marrying the guy who had supported me through what can only be described as a shit storm, I got pregnant. The feeling of seeing a positive pregnancy test was one of utter relief. Relief that I could get pregnant. Relief that I was pregnant. The instant protective instinct that came over me was primal. That was the day I started giving my body credit for what it was capable of. I started appreciating just how incredible that was. To think of the abuse I had subjected it to for a long time, and here it was about to give me one of the most incredible things in the world I could ask for.

Becoming a mother is one of the most life changing experiences I think I have ever gone through. I don’t mean this to sound dramatic, but for me it really was. All of a sudden my focus shifted away from how my body looked to what my body was creating – and for me that was revolutionary.

Fresh Perspective

My children have left me with many marks to remind me where they once were. My stomach is now a tribute to their existence. I’m happy to be in a place in my life where I can appreciate that for what it is. Motherhood has definitely made me appreciate my body more in the last 10 years than I had managed throughout the rest of my teenage or adult life. My outlook is very different to that of 22 year old Emma. Worries about what people think of me no longer consume me with anxiety and dread.

Most of the time I’m really happy in my own skin. I’m happy to be taken as I am and understand and appreciate that I’m not for everyone. I have learnt to be grateful for what I have, and measure my success beyond my weight or how I look.  Food is one of my favourite things! I love to cook and I love baking and being in the kitchen with the kids. I remind myself regularly not to lose sight of the importance of any of those things. There have been times over the last ten years or so where I have still had to quieten my inner critic and remind myself to embrace my imperfections. That said, I am happier in my own skin now than ever before, and honestly I have motherhood to thank for that.