Lets’s face it motherhood is a great gig, your kids will be a source of endless adventures and intrigue. They will surprise you, enlighten you and bring you joy like you could never have imagined possible. That said it’s a tough gig that requires ample patience, a strong stomach and the stamina of an iron man. If you’re a mother get ready to do some appreciative nods of agreement. If you’re pregnant with your first, I wish you luck!
1. You Will Rarely Toilet Alone
When I say rarely, I mean never during the children’s waking hours. We literally have about 4 toilet parties a day when someone invariably watches the other use the toilet. I have been known to distract one in the empty bathtub whilst holding the other on my knee. It’s just reality. At the weekend my husband will call for me from the furthest point of our house to announce with alarm that he needs to use the facilities. ‘So you need to mind the kids’…maybe he just thinks I cease bodily operations for the 10 hours I’m alone with the kids during the week?
2. Your clothing will be strewn with unidentifiable mess at most times.
Is it porridge, snot or potatoes? Is in chocolate or something much worse? Sometimes I see my black jeans as the canvas of what my children have eaten that day. When I make it in to work unscathed by some sort of food mess or bodily fluid I am literally winning at life.
3. You will learn to wipe Tiny Human bums whilst still asleep.
FACT. I wipe toddler bums whilst I myself am still alseep. I have also taught myself the skill of changing nappies without opening my eyes, so as to trick myself that I am having an unbroken sleep. No need to wake, no no, it’s a fact in my house that wiping bums other than my own is clearly the stuff of dreams.
4. Your children will be dressed better than you are
I was stylish once. I mean I don’t think I’m terrible now just not as enthused as I once was. These days my energy for style time is divided between three with the odd emergency intervention for my husband when needed. I mean don’t get me wrong I love a good Zara haul as much as the next girl but my efforts and budget for myself have been dwindled by the better looking tiny male versions of me. At the end of the day with two kids on my arm 90% of the time, whose likely to be looking at me anyway!?
5. You will make beautiful dinners only to scoop them from the floor into the bin
I won’t lie this one really gets me. For the first year or so I though I had got off scot-free and Luke was a dream to feed. Turns out I was in a naive pre-toddler state and hadn’t come to understand the intricacies of the lack of reason and logic he was to go on to develop. Now we have lengthy discussions as to why putting the food in our mouths and not our brothers pocket or on the floor is a ‘good idea’. Genuinely considering getting a dog for crumb control so I don’t have to sweep the kitchen floor 47 times a day. This is motherhood.
6. You will feel contempt for the laundry basket because it will NEVER be empty again
It’s like just when you feel you’ve gotten on top of washing every solitary stitch of fabric in your entire house, you move a cushion on the couch to find 11 other things. Or you do a laundry call asking your other half does he have anything and he produces it a day after you feel you have conquered the laundry situation for a least another 2 days. All I can say about this one is, get a gigantic drummed washing machine. Also get a dryer and only use an iron in an emergency!
7. Sleeping until 7am is considered a phenomenal lie in
If everyone in the house isn’t awake by 7 you can’t even head blissfully back to sleep and enjoy it. Oh no, your immediate reaction to this once in a blue moon event is ‘What’s wrong?’. If at 7am you here the first call for ‘Poo Mammy’ or screeches of milk deprivation form the tiniest one, you are doing incredibly well and should be thankful.
8. Children create a never ending trail of destruction
There will be toys and mess everywhere you look. You are literally the clean up crew on call at all times. Living with tiny humans is like constantly cleaning up after a party you weren’t invited to. Some days it’s hard to justify the post bed time clean up operation when you know the hurricane will return in the early hours to destroy the place again. I advise creating a toy free zone that you can crawl to post bed time. This way you can feel that you live in a grown up world for at least an hour a day.
9. Hangovers and tiny humans is a recipe for devastation
When out with your carefree non-kid friends, don’t be lured into a false state of security and try and keep up with their drinking. Let’s face it your most likely a sleep deprived mess most of the time with lightweight tendencies for the hard stuff. A hangover when looking after tiny people is literally torturous and may make you question the will to live. The fun times and alcohol haze isn’t worth it, remember kids can sniff out weakness and they will break you.
10. You will love them hard but they will annoy you
You will be exhausted by your inexplicable feelings of pride and love for your kids. Love you didn’t even know was possible. But some days they will push you to the point of screaming or shouting. They will wear you down to the point that you lose your cool. They will invariably get upset and make you feel like a terrible person for reacting to their absolutely ridiculous commands (like putting they’re sliced banana back together?!?). Be warned, there will be times where day to day life can only be compared to negotiating with tiny terrorists. When this happens, it’s best to remember that even the best negotiators can crack under pressure.